It's what's on the surface that counts

One of my big goals with this blog is to provide information and tips that have some scientific validity and that are immediately actionable.

For years I read the books of every self help guru around and tried every technique suggested. From visualizing myself achieveing my goals, repeating affirmations to myself and other exercises to change deep seated beliefs. I tried them all and here is the crux: Trying to change your thinking is akin to running around trying to catch a greased pig while carrying a slimy water balloon in your hands.

The other problem with trying to tweak ‘mental programming’ is that it reinforces the idea that there is some deep ‘inner me’ that is invisible and fixed. Personality traits and identity are much more fluid and visible than this. Assuming that we agree on this, it is liberating to view such concepts as the ‘inner child’ and ‘unconscious programming’ as nothing more than abstract nonsense.

Now don’t get me wrong. Im not saying that you can’t change on the inside at the core level. You certainly can but I am suggesting that you must first reshape your outer world and the inner will follow.

I believe that many people go about trying to change their beliefs in the wrong way. For years I heard the mantra in self help: be-do-have. For the past couple of years I have tried to follow a do-be-have formula.

I have found time and time again that if you change your behaviors then your beliefs will follow and not the other way around. To quote one of my favorite authors, Tim Ferriss: “the fastest way to master your inner game is to master your outer game”. For example, any males (or even females) who are reading this and would like to develop more presence and assertiveness? I would suggest a resistence training program to develop greater musculature and training in any kind of combat art such as boxing or muy thai to condition yourself to facing aggression.

The chapter ‘Self Confidence and the Image we Project’ in Derren Brown’s book Tricks of the Mind discusses these concepts further. He suggests that we should “shift behaviors on the surface to stir the deeper waters below”. Also, The Complaint Free World movement (more to come on this) recognizes the difficulty of changing thoughts and so focusses on changing your words. Words first, thoughts will follow.

So get off the psychoanalyst couch or out of the hypnosis course. Try on some new behaviors as if they were new clothes, regardless of whether you think that is the ‘real you’ or not. Will these new behaviors be unfamiliar or uncomfortable? Yes. Those uncomfortable feelings are signals that you are pushing the envelope.

Good luck.

• Next Entry: How to Enjoy Learning a New Language